Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
