i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
