So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
