Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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