guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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