Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
