My liver just broke up with me...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
