threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
