She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
