he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
NoShamevember. You game?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
