I think i peed on brittanys purse
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I fill condoms, not promises.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
