John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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