I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
