you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
