I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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