I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you made out with another girl for some wings
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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