you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
