where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
