we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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