Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
