My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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