I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
