I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
