Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
