she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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