I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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