Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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