Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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