The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
this will be a night to untag.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
