Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
