I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
