A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
