dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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