I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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