i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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