when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
They should really pass out barf bags in church
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
