Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
