If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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