I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
