Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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