Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
