I never want to see another naked old woman again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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