Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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