can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
