just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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