White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
