so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
