We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
