Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
