we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
