i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
